Read Time: 4 minutes
It’s Friday night, you’re on your way out to dinner with the girls, but the eight different straps on your blouse makes it tempting to cancel. Bummer, looks like that Long Island will go unsipped tonight. Time to text a generic excuse, change back into your pajamas (they never left your body) and continue your marathon watching a YouTuber you’d be ashamed to talk about.
But wait, what if you don’t have an overly complicated strappy blouse to set up this perfect scenario? Don’t worry, Spinster Magazine has got you! We’ve got five unnecessarily complicated blouses that make the most reasonable excuse for why you skipped out on your ex-classmate’s bachelorette party.
Yes, sure, let’s have all the straps on one side, but none where it might be required. So I can’t wear a regular bra with this and being of the geriatric millennial variety, I’m not sure I am okay to go out braless. And I’m sorry, but I’m definitely not busting out the annoying and gummy stick-on silicone bra for a tank top! I’m just going to cancel dinner.
I don’t even understand what this top is trying to accomplish. In fact, I’m not even sure what it’s trying to convey. The only thing it says is that I definitely could not find where my arms were meant to go when I was putting it on, then got my head stuck in it twice before ripping it off and throwing it across the room in frustration. Anyway, my niece will have another birthday next year, they won’t miss me.
Jesus, where do I even start? Perhaps if you wore it just right, the strange pattern that the straps form will summon a demon to put you out of your misery trying to wear the damn thing. I counted and there are six straps – most of which have zero purpose. I don’t even want to think about the weird tan lines this top is going to cause. Sorry I can’t come to your barbeque because I got caught in a fishing net trying to get dressed. Goodbye, see you never.
It just gets worse. It looks like a tank top right out of Battlestar Galactica, but she got cold and put on some sleeves with all the cut-outs. Then maybe she felt a little creative and decided to wrap a couple bikinis around her chest out of insecurity that this outfit is ridiculous. I think anyone who sees this will definitely understand why you opted to cancel instead of putting on this combination of what technically qualifies as clothing.
I heard you like cut-outs? Why not have all of them! There’s eight straps and four cut-outs on one sleeve if I disregard the cold shoulder. Sidenote: always disregard cold shoulder tops, they’re the worst. With this top, you can now wear an abstract painting. Except the abstract thing here is you, because I question why you’d wear such a thing. Better cancel all your plans in advance because it’s gonna take a few attempts to wear this thing. It’s either your thumb getting caught in one of the four cut-outs or you can’t find where your head is meant to go. I name this look Byzantine chic.
So there’s five more reasons why you had to cancel on that date, dinner, wedding, party, or whatever. It was 100% the blouses to blame. Sorry I had to cancel, but at least now I have more time to tend to my neighbour’s liver cooking on the stove.
